BREAKING: NRA President Wayne LaPierre’s Murderous Proposal

[With apologies to Sam Stein]

Hello. Thankyou all for coming here today.

First can I start by saying that we at the National Rifle Association decided to keep our silence for the last few days in the belief that recent events in Conneticut did not deserve to become a political football.

But I can assure you all that we are just as shocked and appalled as anyone by this week’s crazed attack on innocent semi-automatic rifle owners everywhere.

Let me be clear: we at the Association entirely agree that these random shootings must be stopped. But we must fight fire with fire. Just ask any of our nation’s courageous firefighters.

In the wake of these headlines we have to ask: how would things have gone at, say, Fort Hood, if there had been armed guards on patrol?

Or earlier this year in New York, when nine innocent pedestrians were senselessly gunned down by police officers bravely attempting to arrest an armed man who shot nearly two people? How would things have gone, if a coordinated tactical response had resulted in more armed officers shooting the stray bullets out of the way?

This has to be the start of a national conversation.

No questions.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I’ve just been given to understand that during our press conference an armed man in Pennsylvania gunned down several people, including three state troopers.

We can only urge lawmakers again: we need armed guards in every squad car.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun are an unquantifiable number of good guys who can effortlessly overcome the human instinct not to kill others and have easy access to military-grade lethal weapons. Thankyou.

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